A Rant of Insanity by the Insane

2011-07-29T00:27:00.000-04:00

Hey. Follow me on Tumblr.

ten-reasons-why-not.tumblr.com

there's some shelves that need cleaning from basement to ceiling. control.

2011-04-12T13:13:00.001-04:00

I really should be more devoted to this endeavor. I mean, I HAVE been doing this for nearly 4 years now. HOLY CRAP 4 YEARS WTF.

See. Who says Talia can't be a committed person. =P

We were merely freshmen

2011-04-03T10:32:00.002-04:00

I am apprehensive....I am. I fear good things, I fear the quiet. How can things be so good, how, how? It's almost as if I'm afraid of failure, because I'm so happy at the moment. This must be temporary, but I don't think it is.

And I fall to my knees, and I pray that God never takes it away. The feeling of safety, the truth of it all, the insane truth. Am I, Talia the DramaCauser, actually happy. I mean, really and truly happy.

I think I am.

live through this and you won't look back

2011-03-29T13:17:00.003-04:00

I have a sneaking suspicion you know where this is. I have a creeping feeling you read this.

I don't know what she wants. I don't know what she wants.

I'll clarify. I received a page of Wordsworth poems from her and I don't know what point they're trying to make. I can't rectify the situation. And all I want to do is shed myself of you. Shed myself of all the mistakes, the stupid mistakes I have made. Because the truth of the matter is that we have this terrible cycle. See, you only want me when you can't have me AND I CAN'T DEAL WITH THAT. I CAN'T DEAL WITH SOMEONE WHO IS 50% NOT THERE. And I know that somewhere in you, you love[d] me. But you threw away the only thing worth fighting for and you never even tried. You never even tried. And I tried so hard to make this happen. I tried my hardest to make it work.

But see, this is what happens. I tell you that we can't be together, that we cannot see each other, that I can't allow myself to be THAT person. That I can't be around you. And you come to me, begging, begging to be let back in. I'll be better. I'll be better. And then I give in, because I want you so badly, need you so badly. And I let you do what you always do. Ignore me until it is good for you. Fuck around with these meaningless men, because you and I both know that what we had could have been so much more than whatever you have with them. You couldn't make up your decision. I had to make it for the both of us.

We could have been something. We could have worked. You and I, we are not a disaster. But you just can't make up your mind. And I'm sick of waiting for you, so sick. You gave up your chance. I gave you six months to prove to me that you love me.

I can't. I can't. I'm sorry. Just know that my heart breaks in two every time I see you. I need to start caring about myself. Because you never wanted me unless you couldn't have me.

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

It was your heart on the line.

2011-03-29T00:46:00.003-04:00

I loved you. I'll say that here, but only here.

Its for that very reason that I wanted to hurt you. I was going to break you down so very badly, so very badly. I cannot. I cannot. Call me a liar. Go ahead. I lied through my teeth every second but I needed you so badly, needed to feel your touch. I couldn't help myself. So many lies. So much deceit. So much. Too much. It all needed to end.

You wouldn't love me if you knew what I was doing. You wouldn't want me. I wouldn't be beautiful.

And you chose him.

I saw you today in the dining hall and I so desperately wanted to touch you. I ignored the feeling.

The cd I made for you is sitting on my desk, where you left it accidentally.

Don't forget me. I know you won't. The memory has been tattooed to your chest.

I am the one that got away. Never forget it.

Study Time With Pickle

2011-03-28T02:08:00.001-04:00

In a heart warming moment between Ruby and Talia....Ruby farts.

Talia: "That......made me so uncomfortable....[long pause] I'm not sure whether or not I'm supposed to fart back in acknowledgment...."

The part where Talia is sick of waking up alone.

2011-03-26T01:28:00.001-04:00

Creep up and tell me that you
You love me more each time you
Look into my eyes, I feel like
I know you don't mean to be mean
I'm sure you know the same for me
When you creep up and tell me
Darling
It breaks my heart each time you
Darling
You break my heart each time you
You slip your hands inside my pockets
Tell me nothing else would do
Without me, you can't live and
You slip your heart into my chest
They both become one of the strongest pairs
When strangers come
And darling
This thing that breaks my heart and
Darling
You break my heart each time you
Darling
This thing that breaks my heart and
Darling
You break my heart each time you

2011-02-10T09:12:00.001-05:00

Happy birthday. Happy birthday.

Oh wait. That was like a week ago. I'm sorry...kinda late. =D

I will give you a real post soon. Don't worry.

i love you terribly, i swear that this is true

2011-02-02T11:24:00.001-05:00

Scratch last post.

Back together.

Why am I always right?

For all the ones who left, there's a few that stayed

2011-01-23T09:46:00.002-05:00

I ended things. I couldn't handle the instability, the yo yo effect or the insanity. I care about her more than I have cared about anything in a very long time. And it was unique and it was strange and it was beautiful, to feel things so vividly again. To be able to have within me that tremendous passion once more....it was my own clarification that everything I valued is not dead inside, it's just waiting for the right woman to unlock the key.

I want whatever will be the best for her, the very very best, but I don't think I can stick around to watch it. I have broken my one rule, the one golden rule, bu
t I needed to do this for my own sanity. For my own personal happiness. Because for once, I need to care about myself. Because no one seems to be doing it for me.

And I have learned a tremendous amount from the experience. I have learned how to say no. I have learned how to walk away. I have learned how to stop being manipulated.

I miss you. Please don't think that this was easy.

2011-01-15T13:10:00.001-05:00

On the verge of another breakdown and I don't know who to talk to.

Fuck you, wikipedia.

I won't lie to keep you near me

2011-01-09T16:07:00.002-05:00

and in this short life,
there's no time to waste on giving up
my love wasn't enough

I went sledding today with Kelsey and Ayesha. We built a snowmound. We played pool by the fireside and played foozeball and it was nice. I miss having spontaneous fun. Actually DOING things.

It's like a snowy winter wonderland. A perfect snowy winter wonderland.

I just wish I had someone to share it with. But all in good time, right? I'm just so sick of waiting for something I've been ready to have for far too long already. It's a problem, when you have so much love to give and no one to receive it. But I'm not sad. Just exhausted. And I think that's the first step. When you stop looking, it sort of just...happens, right? At least, that's what I'm being TOLD. Damn people and their successful, loving relationships.

i know what i should do...but i just can't walk away

2011-01-07T20:25:00.002-05:00

Okay, for the first time in my life, I am going to say it. Right here. Right now.

We've documented the same bullshit again and again on this blog. And it's like a singular thesis on one very interesting topic:

I, Talia Rose, do not understand either heterosexuality or homosexuality. Because if there was someone of any gender who made me happy, someone who I loved, then I wouldn't challenge it. Because I mean, we all know how much I need to be in a relationship already. And you keep asking and praying for the same thing...well who am I to tell fate or god or whatever that their choice was wrong.

I don't make sense right now, because my brain is in a really strange place right now. But I just need a place to write down exactly what I'm thinking, and that's what this is, right? I suppose.

will you feel better or will you feel anything at all?

2011-01-07T20:16:00.000-05:00

i ended it.

if it was supposed to happen, then why do I feel so empty inside?

2011-01-06T17:38:00.001-05:00

I feel like I've fucked things up with you.

You don't even read this.

Fuck my life.

Again, I go unnoticed.

2011-01-06T00:30:00.002-05:00

I need to stop barking up wrong trees and all of that. For once, I need to love someone who has it within their capacity to love me back.

My heart feels broken and I hardly even gave it away. I need to not be vulnerable anymore. Why do I do this to myself?

And I kissed a girl with a broken jaw that her father gave to her.

2011-01-01T18:01:00.003-05:00

2011. 2011. 2011.

Wow. I started this thing in 2007. You, dear readers, have seen everything. The bottom, the top, every sort of sexuality, countless books and songs and movies and heartbreak and lying and loving and living and even several computers. You have seen a whole lot of change. The person who started on July 1st wouldn't even recognize this new Talia, and whether that's for the better or for the worse, sometimes I'm not sure. But it doesn't matter.

Thanks for being loyal.

This year will rock the hardest. I promise.

New Years Resolutions

2010-12-28T01:39:00.004-05:00

By spring break, I will have lost enough weight to buy new clothes and look FABULOUS in them. Instead of buying clothes that look alright because I'm a fat and lousy dump.

Okay. I'm done here. I just needed to get that off.

Also, while I am thin and gorgeous, I will also be academically kickass. Yeah. I will. Watch me. I will prove that I am not a tardhole. Even though I'm pretty sure the school doesn't think that, because the dean was like, "dude, you can handle this work." But in more eloquent words than that.

BUT I WILL PROVE IT.

I love that lavender blonde...

2010-12-21T11:48:00.000-05:00

I'm home.

Home sucks.

But what also sucks is finding yourself in the same situation. Again. And again. And again. I need to stop being such a good friend, because I ALWAYS FIND MYSELF IN THE FRIEND ZONE, GODDAMNIT.

Time will not be a chopping block

2010-12-07T14:20:00.002-05:00

I think this place needs a revamping of some sort. I mean, I've been doing the same thing since the end of sophomore year of high school. Song lyric title. Emo angst rant. Song lyrics in italics. Ta-da!

Except that's still what appeals to me. =] [Oh, dear, I would really like to think that I have progressed at least a LITTLE since being 15. Since I'm going to be 19 in less than 2 months. But then again, as we speak, I'm listening to In Love And Death.]

It's also a huge shame that I've really hardly spoken about Mount Holyoke at all. Like, only like DEPTHS OF DESPAIR do I come to blogger anymore. Really quite a shame.

I love my roommates. I love both of them. We get in fights and we get into arguments and my side of the room is a constant mess, but it's like a little family we've got here. Except Irinka is moving out. Leaving Jordan and I to secretly plot what we're going to do with this huge-ass room [we have the largest room on the floor, despite what Leah wants to think.] It's like...a triple that used to be a quad that, godwilling, will be a double in a month or so. We're bringing in a futon if MHC doesn't stick anyone ELSE in here. =]]]] And I'm going to get a queen sized bed [push together two mattresses ftw.]

This floor is like an incestuous family. Mostly because we're a floor of [mostly] first-years [ we have a smattering of upperclassmen who, for the most part, stick to themselves]. Most of my social life seems to revolve around the Rockies, because that's where all of my friends either live or hang out. I've been to the Dells once or twice and Porter like a bunch. But that's about it =D

I really don't know how to sum up life here, because it's sort of established itself as the only way to live life...like this sort of stump that I've been here forever, except it's only been a few months. It's really very much....same 'ol, same 'ol. Ha. Oh. MHC

And here I go again...

2010-12-07T00:43:00.003-05:00

...going after someone with a straighter bend.

Except this is a whole new can of crazy I have unleashed upon myself. I'm not sure whether I should despise her, make love to her or simply ignore her like she doesn't exist. But goddamn it, I look at her and I get those tummyflutters again. OH TUMMYFLUTTERS YOU SILLY WHORE. It's been a while, has it not?

Oh. And I totally let November 24th slip fuckin past me this year. I mean, it's been 2 years [edit: 3 years. holy crap. WTFWORLD] without the tradition, but for nostalgia's sake.....

And on that note, I'm getting too old. This is ridiculous.

But cross your fingers for me, intranet. Cross them hard.

Despite my human-like appearance, I am nothing but a coin opperated woman.

2010-12-05T23:56:00.005-05:00

I Am Not A Toy.

I Am Not A Toy.

I Am Not A Toy.

You cannot just take me off my shelf when you're nice and ready to play with me, and put me back when you're done. And if you don't realize this much, just this minuscule little detail that I AM, in fact, a human, then you are really one to live up to your reputation.

Excuse me there, human dignity. I thought I might have seen something different, something unique, something special. Perhaps I was wrong. Perhaps that little glimmer was just a bit of glitter. All fake plastic facade.

Thanksgiving, you cheap whore

2010-11-26T00:17:00.002-05:00

What part of being home makes me want to leave?

What part of being away makes me want to be here?

Oh, you silly contradictions. Silly, silly.

It's just my mom that drives me crazy. The fact that's it's friggin thanksgiving and I'm bleeding HUNGRY. Because she gives me that nasty look whenever I'm hungry and actually EATING something, because she's something close to anorexic and I actually like food. And am trying to escape adolescence without shitty neurosis [or more shitty neurosis] or an eating disorder. Whatever. Apparently I'm fat and ugly. This is what makes me want to shoot myself in the foot whenever I'm here. FUCK YOU, JEWISH MOTHERS OF THE WORLD. STOP BEING SO GODDAMN OVERBEARING.

I Am A Violin

2010-11-22T03:55:00.002-05:00

Today was the first day I have davened in a very, very long time. Almost out of the fear that someone will see me.

I stopped caring. I stopped caring so much that I didn't care to find a quiet place to say tehillim. I just said them in my room. Because to hell with what other people think. I could be doing worse than reciting psalms.

And if I want to read the Garden of Emuna instead of doing my homework, well, that's my prerogative. Except the garden of emuna is a book of fluff. Fluff that makes you feel good inside but really provides for no concrete answers. It's like The Magic Touch. But worse.

Dutch Courage.

2010-11-21T04:13:00.002-05:00

4 am...here I am. Can't sleep. I'm just this strong, potent combination of....everything. You know, where you're just pissed, and then the reason you're pissed and grumpy and whatever leaves so you find your happy place and pretend you're playing ddr and listen to music and watch movies with Irinka and just...happy place. Right. And then the anger just returns.

You're full up to the brim with that he said she said trash

Haven't these girls fucking LEFT high school yet? Like seriously. Get over yourselves. No one cares who you've slept with or whatever. No one cares. Everyone is just here, doing their own goddamn thing, and you are just a walking personification of the Holyoke Confessional. Congrats.

And the whole giggle and run away thing? Awh, you're cute. You're really cute. Granted, I haven't seen that since around 8th grade, so wow! You're really mature! Totally ready for the real world now!

People like you peaked in high school.

37% innocent?

2010-11-16T15:24:00.002-05:00

Here's the deal... Start with 100% and subtract 1% for everything that you've done. Then repost as your __% Virgin.

1. Smoked.
2. Drank alcohol.
3. Cried when someone died.
4. Been drunk.
5. Had sex.
6. Been to a concert.
7. Gotten/given a handjob.
8. Fingered someone/been fingered.
9. Given/recieved a blowjob.
10. Been verbally/sexually harassed.

So far: 91%

11. Felt someone up and/or been felt up.
12. Laughed so hard something came out of your nose.
13. Cheated on a boyfriend/girlfriend before.
14. Been cheated on by a boyfriend/girlfriend.
15. Been to prom.
16. Cried at school.
17. Gotten lost in a WalMart or a department store.
18. Went streaking.
19. Given or received a lap dance.
20. Had someone of the opposite sex in your room.

So far: 83%

21. Had someone of the opposite sex sleep over.
22. Slept over at someone of the opposite sex's house.
23. Kissed a stranger.
24. Hugged a stranger.
25. Went scuba diving.
26. Driven a car.
27. Gotten an x-ray.
28. Hit by a car.
29. Had a party.
30. Done serious drugs.

So far: 76%

31. Played strip poker/darts/pool.
32. Got paid to strip for someone.
33. Run away from home.
34. Broken a bone.
35. Eaten sushi.
36. Bought porn.
37. Watched porn.
38. Made porn.
39. Had a crush on someone of the same sex.
40. Been in love.

So far: 70%

41. French kissed.
42. Laughed so hard you cried.
43. Cried yourself to sleep.
44. Laughed yourself to sleep.
45. Stabbed yourself.
46. Shot a gun.
47. Trash talked someone and then acted like their best friend the next day.
48. Been online for 9 consecutive hours.
49. Watched TV for 9 consecutive hours.
50. Watched an animal die.

So far: 65%

51. Watched a person die.
52. Kissed and/or messed around somewhere with at least 1 person present.
53. Pranked somebody.
54. Put somebody in the hospital.
55. Snuck into someone's room and/or your own room after being out.
56. Kissed somebody of the same sex.
57. Dressed punk.
58. Dressed goth.
59. Dressed preppy.
60. Been to a motocross race.

So far: 59%
61. Avoided somebody.
62. Been stalked.
63. Stalked someone.
65. Played an instrument.
66. Ridden a horse.
67. Cut yourself.
68. Bungee jumped.
69. Ding dong ditched somebody.
70. Been to a wild party.

So far: 51%

71. Got caught stealing something.
72. Kicked/punched a guy in the balls.
73. Stolen a boyfriend/girlfriend from a friend.
74. Gone out with your friend's crush.
75. Got arrested.
76. Been pregnant.
77. Babysat.
78, Been to another country.
79. Started your house on fire.
80. Had an encounter with a ghost.

So far: 48%

81. Donated your hair to cancer patients.
82. Been asked out by someone that you never thought you'd be asked out by.
83. Cried over a member of the opposite sex.
84. Had a boyfriend/girlfriend for over or 3 months.
85. Sat on your butt all day.
86. Ate a whole carton of ice cream all by yourself.
87. Had a job.
88. Gotten cut from a sports team.
89. Been called a whore.
90. Danced like a whore

so far: 41%

91. Been mistaken for a celebrity.
92. Been in a car accident.
93. Been told you have beautiful eyes.
94. Been told you have beautiful hair.
95. Raped somebody.
96. Danced in the rain.
97. Been rejected.
98. Walked out of a restaurant without paying.
99. Punched someone/slapped someone in the face.
100. Been molested.

total left: 37%

This time, baby, I'll be bulletproof

2010-10-03T03:51:00.003-04:00

This is my life. Looking after the over-drunken ex-girlfriend of someone who dislikes me. Babysitting her. Trying to make sure she doesn't fall asleep in an alleyway. And now it's 4 am and I can't sleep. Because I'm just...all wired up. As per usual.

Idk. As usual, I let things that don't matter affect me. But her exgirlfriend was like, in a drunken manner, "she's always bitching about you to me and she doesn't like you and I think that's bullshit because you're the nicest person everrrrrr." And I mean, it's great that I'm very sweet, but everyone thinks I'm annoying [with the exception of Irinka. xD] so, quite frankly, I still want to go jump in Upper Lake. And just....stay there.

Remind me why I'm sober?

emo rant #1233489299590

2010-09-21T01:40:00.003-04:00

Here I am, procrastinating more FUCKING HOMEWORK!!!! dfkshdfsndfkdfe damn. College is hard.

So basically, I think my roommate [not the awesome Georgian one but the one from NY] dislikes me. WEEPY EMO KID TIME. This is karma, because this is exactly how I treated Karla last year, but basically like with the attitude of, "WTF stfu why are you talking to me?! We're roommates, and we're not friends. Don't try to be my friend. You are annoying."

I mean, she never said this directly. But like...you just get certain vibes, you know. And, I mean, when she was absolutely drunk, she was like, "We're roommates not friends." And...yeah. It's not like I was like OMG LET'S BE BIFFELS FOR EVAAAA SONNNN. But it would be nice to have a good relationship with the person you live with for a whole year. Unlike at Harova, where you can just change roommates whenever you fkng feel like it [see: Talia's 29 Harova roommates. Including the cat that def. died in the abandoned room they stuck me in.]

I'm probably just doing that thing that I always do where I just hardcore latch on to someone because I think that they are so FUCKING awesome and then they're like wtf please go away. Yeah. That's 99.9% most likely correct. Ugh. I wish I wasn't such a spazzy mcgee. I'm just going to like, try not to even be in her face at all and then hopefully something good will come but I just....yeah. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth and mostly it just leaves me feeling sad and pathetic, like I have no friends and no one loves me. That sort of thing. I didn't even think i was being like SUPER CLINGY PANTS, but then again, I don't even notice when I'm doing these things. ARGH WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE?!

In other news, I think the Georgian roommate and I are good buddies. She sends me adorable links of really cute animals doing kooky things when we're both up late at night.

But, I mean, tomorrow is potentially Mountain Day [a day when classes are cancelled and traditionally everyone goes to climb a mountain. It's impromptu in the sense of you don't know what day it is until you wake up to the bells pealing like MADD CRAZY and then you know it's Mountain Day.] and I was going to climb a mountain and then smoke it up when I get to the top. And, I mean, my roommate is a seasoned potoholic [and also, I owe her weed, because she smoked me up consistently for the first week of school] so I was like, yo do you want to go climbing and then get baked tomorrow if it's mountain day. And she was like...errrrr...ummmm...uhhhh....we'll see. So yeah.

Survey says, roommate #3 [and I don't mention names because this is the intranetz and I don't want any mix up but that would totally be retarded because if any MOHOs read this, they would like OBVS know who I'm talking about, so yeah.] thinks I'm an annoying, obnoxious, overbearing dumbfuck.

Excuse me while I go cry my eyes out in my room like the sad, weepy, pathetic emo kid that I am.

But Can You Go Back Once You Know You Don't Love Me At All

2010-09-13T01:01:00.002-04:00

HI! Wow. I haven't been here in ages. Like...absolute ages. A month? Yeah. A month. Well, I've been at Mount Holyoke. =]

Yeah. A lot of fucking happy faces are being had right now. And you know what? It's just as good as I thought it would be. I love everything about it. I love the fact that I can watch a movie in a lecture room [I won't say which one because then everyone will be there and it won't be my little secret with Madame Greer] and get latenight munchies at Blanchard and the late night munchies just counting as a meal and I don't even have to pay for it. I love the buildings. OH GAWD do I love the buildings. I love the fact that I got lost like 17 times in the library looking for a single book, because there are 7 floors and 2 wings to the library. I love that the library is modeled after Westminster Abbey. I love not being drunk at the Blanch party and having the sheer pleasure of watching my roommate being drunk as all fucking hell [oh man, last night was so insane on soooooo many levels.]

I love sitting on skinner green with Giggles and Greer and making fun of the unfortunate ugly people. I love being the token dirtyass hipster. I love finding literally stuffed dead animals and skeletons in random hallways in Clapp at midnight. I love the icy chill that already set in, and it's only September. I love the fact that my dorm building has a sun room with a steinway piano. I love the fact that I have found people that completely understand when I say I want to have a decadent uppereastside party in that room and make cosmos and dress pretty and act pretentious. I love getting into a debate about the role of women in SacherMasochian philosophy, and about how Elizabeth I is just her father's daughter in the purest way. I just love everything about this and I don't ever want to leave.

when winter's curse is just around the bend

2010-08-11T23:09:00.003-04:00

Wow. I haven't been here in a while. I find myself saying that often enough, which means that I'm just really never here. ha.

Kathleen's birthday was tonight...I really like don't see her anymore at all, but like....I was in Israel so what can you do, right?

And a lot of other stuff has happened so. Yah.

Welcome to summer?

This is the sound of settling

2010-07-26T08:09:00.003-04:00

It's puzzling sometimes, life. Something you've wanted for years and years, no longer even a mild desire. Is it possible for me to have changed so much? I don't feel any different, but then again, I'm ages away from it all.

Because ever going into it, I knew that it wasn't going to be anything. It's a good assurance, though. And I needed an assurance of something definite. Because in that very moment, I was able to put to rest the nagging curiosity in the back of my head, the "how do you really know?" and all of that.

Yeah, she is beautiful but she doesn't mean a thing to me.

f&%$ my life. i am sad.

2010-07-20T00:54:00.002-04:00

I will not feel bad for myself...

I will not feel bad for myself...

I will not feel bad for myself...

I will try not to think about living at home at the age of 18...

2010-07-14T13:58:00.003-04:00

Okay, my lovely ladies and gentlemen. Normally, I would use this time to complain about something and/or be a general cvetch. There would be a decent amount of moping, followed by a wallop of wallowing with a cherry on top of massive rant rant rant.

But this is not my normal blog post.

You NEED to check this out. This is the most ADORABLE slightly risque but not really jewelry piece. [lol] It's sooooo cute. Here. Link. I want, I want, I want. The celebrity stylist, Rachel Zoe [the one who stylizes the human train wreck, Lindsay Lohan, and all of those other human train wrecks. Not that I'm one to talk. lol.] was featured having one, and I'm going to admit, I'm not exactly one of those people that just BUY things because a celebrity has one but I WANT.

What can I say? It's cute. And it's not even like WOW WTF EXPENSIVE I CAN'T AFFORD THAT. I know. Win. Win. Win.

They have loads of other cute stuff too, so all you ladies out there. Buy. Because summers going to end and then you're going to be like. Meh. I need more stuff. My wardrobe is empty and I am sad. lol.

Not going to lie, though. I'm totally doing that now.

now I feel you name coursing through my veins.

2010-07-09T01:34:00.002-04:00

So here I am, right. Worrying about everything, as usual. That my schedule for next year isn't broad enough, that I'm studying the wrong thing, that I have no actual idea what I want to do with my life. Just a lot of ideas.

I mean, first of all, there's Professor Dr. Talia. BUT then there's the issue of Art History vs. flat out medievalism vs. anything that I might wind up loving but don't know it exists because I've holed myself into all of these tiny micro-options. And then there's Archaeologist, which isn't going to happen, because I want a family. And then there's working in historical costume design. Or a fact checker for the entertainment business. And then there's all those idea I had and then threw away years ago because they were so boring and JEWISH. Like psychologist or lawyer or something practical and passionless.

And I know that I haven't even entered freshman year yet, but like. Seriously. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH MY LIIIIIIIIFEEEE?

Also, I want to take a filmmaking class. Like hardcore. Next semester is going to be an even bigger mess because I need to take the second section of Elementary Latin, plus I want to take some sort of science class and maybe a costume design class and maybe psychology or music history or political science or maybe GASP some history.

WHY DO I STRESS OUT ABOUT NOTHING?!?

WTFSCHOLARSHIP

2010-07-06T12:12:00.003-04:00

So here I am. In the library. Trying to find money for college. WHY CAN'T I EVER JUST CUT A BREAK?! My mom, getting all excited about scholarships that are like -_-

But hey. Apparently the CIA gives a scholarship. SECRET AGENT TALIAAAAAAAA!

Seeing twilight tonight with Casey and Rita [or maybe not Rita...I'm horrible when it comes to keeping up with plans that involve multiple people.] Because nothing gives me more pleasure that making fun of the pathetic little twihards. AWH LOOK! They're so cute and poorly informed about what a functional relationship looks like. Or grammar. Or what mildly acceptable writing would look like, had this not been 2010, and the world is just going to hell.

Does it amaze any one else except for me how incredibly stupid people are? Not even people that you know will be inevitably stupid, like high school sophomores and middle school drop outs. I'm talking about people that you would assume have a shred of intelligence, like the kind of people who report for BBC or CNN. And then, you see Israel being condemned for violating human rights.

Can someone tell me the last time that the PLO or HAMAS was condemned for violating a people's human right to exist?

Or maybe I'm just a little angry that the world has a ridiculous double standard when it comes to Israel. Perhaps because I, the little adorable idealist, believes the world is made of sunshine and daisies if we all just link arms and sing Kumba Ya.

Yeah. Time to wake up, Planet Earth. Iran is not singing Kumbaya.
WOW. That was a really random rant. I'm going to stop now.

my rhyme aint good just yet. my brain and tongue just met.

2010-06-30T22:37:00.003-04:00

So. Life. Is interesting.

I got charged 10 dollars for a deli sandwich. I got pissed about the price. Later, my mother informed me that that is the going rate for a kosher deli sandwich in New York. That's ACTUALLY ridiculous, because I used to go to New Deli [cute play on words, right?!] and get a pastrami sandwich for, like, 25 shekels. Which, according to the current conversion rates is now 6.43 dollars. *Grumbles about the price of food in this country.*

In other news. Nothing. My life is boring. Passed out today, but that happens right? Yeah. Not gonna talk about it. It sucked. Especially since I crushed my glasses on the concrete, and the moral of the story is that it's going to be Talia In Contacts for a while.

Which means I might ACTUALLY have to find them. KSDJKSDFJSDKFJSDAKFS. =[

Also, hopefully Saturday is Wine and Cheese night with Casey and Rita. Abba says we can drink wine if he gets the okay from everyone's parents, which is really cool of him. I mean, my friends are 19 and 20, so it'd be kinda lame to be like NO YOU GUYS CAN'T DRINK WINE. I mean, he's really naive about drinking and drugs with college students, but he's not THAT bad. Even though he gets incredulous when Lauren talks about drinking and what have you, in like a BUT YOU'RE UNDERAGE?!?!?! HOW DO YOU GET ALCOHOL!??!? kind of way. Which is cute. In a you're old kinda way. =D

pull the trigger and the nightmare stops...

2010-06-27T01:52:00.003-04:00

It's been nice being home, even though I'm both broke and...broke. [I NEED A JOB.] I saw Sangeeta mucho-briefly on Friday. It was nice, I suppose.

I've been hanging out a lot with Rita lately, which is good, because I feel like I haven't actually spent like REAL time with her in, well, a year. Which is funny. Because I haven't.

That's weird, isn't it. I got so scarily into the swing of things here. I mean, I suppose I just adapt easily. But that's not true. Because I don't really think I do.

I mean, this is just stupid conversation anyway, because I don't even see where this is getting me. Except I've discovered that I've completely lost my english. DKJSDFKSADFSKADN

these days, it feels that everything is changing. used to be that every stride, you were standing by my side

2010-06-14T09:15:00.007-04:00

Life is moving so fast. So, so fast. Some things feel like a million years ago, and some things still feel like yesterday.

Yesterday was the last time we, as in HaRova, will all be together in the same place. It was the messibat siyyum, a sort of end of the year party. We had the party and then after that we had candle light reflections. We pass a candle around, and everyone says something about the year. People were crying and I found that I just couldn't. I couldn't cry.

One day, I'll be perfect...

And then, this afternoon, I started packing. And I looked around the room and I cried. Today, Frankie left for England, which is strange, because she's not here [duh.] Rose left for NY, which I wouldn't know if Karla hadn't told me, but it's still strange. Mostly because there was REALLY no closure in that department. I sent a message through Karla that said, more or less, I'm really sorry that things ended the way they did, and I don't hate you for what you did. For what it's worth, you were a good friend when we were friends, and I regret losing you as a friend. I hope you have a successful life. That sort of thing. And she didn't send a response through Karla, which to be honest, I expected, but it still would have been nice to have some sort of closure in that.

Especially since, last night at the Siyum, everyone was saying their teary goodbyes. People I was hardly friends with. And despite what happened for the last month of school, she was still a rather close friend of mine for quite some time here, and I just felt like it would have been both inappropriate to approach her, especially there with everyone around, and say what needed to be said, and at the same time, it wouldn't be right not to say something. Some sort of goodbye. But then again, I'm a massive sapface when it comes to friends.

I will shine. I will radiate. I will take your breath away.

I spoke last night to Rita on aim, which I haven't done since, like, November [no joke!] And it was a regular stroll down memory lane, and it was all chatting [mostly me, actually, but what's new, right?] And I realized how much I missed her and the simplicity of our friendship, despite the complexities. And I think that this year was the best thing for certain friendships, but ESPECIALLY ours. Because I think that having spent a year away from each other and removed from all of the shit that happened towards the end, we got to change and grow. And it's a new sort of friendship, because we're different people now. But at the same time, we're bringing to the table all of the love and affection of two friends that have been through a LOT together, but with a whole lot more maturity. I can't really explain.

But I realized just how much I missed her. I know, I know, I'm so nostalgic. I look at old pictures and I bask in the warm glow of happy times. But maybe, just maybe, I'm starting to move back into the Nows. And I can deal with that. And people change and I'm changing and we're all changing, and even though there were some beautiful times in the past, the present is all happening now and so what if things are different and that's a little scary. [Okay, not a little scary. TERRIFYING!] But sometimes, the things you're most afraid of in life can be the most rewarding.

Like the cliff jumping on the Golan hike. Or the time I went bungee jumping with Rose, or riding Kingda Ka with Rita, or just allowing time to pass and me, tiny, terrified me, moving along with it. I can deal with that.

And you almost don’t even recognize me

This is untitled because my life is a swirling black abyss

2010-06-01T17:58:00.002-04:00

Sorry. Haven't been around in a while. All of the crap with school....so yeah. My dad is coming here in, like, 2 days, so that should be really good.

Nothing really interesting has been happening to my life. Not even good fanfiction. Such is my lot in life, I suppose.

Anyway, I wish I had more interesting things to post about, but that's probably why I haven't posted in, well, forever. UGH.

that's me in the corner. that's me in the spotlight, losing my religion. trying to keep up with you.

2010-05-11T16:33:00.003-04:00

A lot of shit went down today and I don't want to deal with this nonsense anymore. I can't even really describe what happened right now because I'm still too angry. But basically, SOMEONE felt uncomfortable with me and felt like I was "pressuring" them and a lot of really untrue bullshit.

So I have to move. I should have just kept my mouth shut. She wasn't worth it. I just told her because I thought she had a right to know. As a friend. She had a right to know SHIT.

People are so disappointing. And my appetite came back tonight but it's probably just going to be like every other time, when I haven't eaten anything in like a day and then my stomach is like FUCK YOU and then I, like, nibble on salad and then I'm full.

Whatever. Now I get to lose weight. And I get a room to myself because I'm apparently a giant menace to society.

Moments I'm Most Nostalgic For

2010-05-11T16:17:00.002-04:00

The last day of sophomore year.

The first JewMass ever.

Taco days with Sangeeta.

Michaels hopping.

The time I went to Rockville Centre with Rita and Casey and we got caught in the rain we got soaked to the bone but it was still lovely.

The time Kathleen made the cheerleader fall of the pyramid with her BRAAAAAIN. [lol @ Lauren Feinstein's response]

The time we went to Coney Island and rode the Cyclone and the Wonder Wheel and it was just sunny and nice.
Those days where we just felt infinite =]

all around me are familiar faces, worn out places, worn out faces

2010-05-09T16:30:00.004-04:00

Approaching my third year on this "project" is a little bit daunting, I must say. I feel like an entire lifetime has been experienced here, even though the first post was July 1, 2007.

I missed the last bus from Beit Shemesh last night, so I was stuck there until 5:45 in the morning [first bus out.] So, naturally, I "slept" in a bus stop with someone-who-doesn't-want-to-be-named. I was only there because I wanted to meet up with him in the first place, so I suppose that's what you get!

On Thursday night, I thought I had a really good conversation and a really good resolution with Rose. And then, today, it just seemed that she was angry at me or something. Like she has no desire to speak to me or anything. I don't understand it at all. Then again, I don't understand her, despite all my attempts. I just see how someone can just say, yeah, I want to be friends with you in what seems to be absolute earnest and then a few days later, are pissy towards you every time you try to communicate. Maybe I don't come from a world where friends are actually just people that have mutual acquaintences, but I like to talk with my friends and even *le gasp* hang out with them sometimes.

Maybe I'm just being a little nostalgic softie.

Favorite FanFictions

2010-05-09T15:47:00.002-04:00

Black Truth: Creature!Draco. =] Slashy goodness, as usual. Excellent writing. http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1837793/1/Black_Truth

Oath Breaker: Harry learns dark magic from Draco. http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2473502/1/Oath_Breaker

Ambivalent Lucidity: Draco has multiple personality disorder. Angst!alert http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3153658/1/Ambivalent_Lucidity

Customer Service: Draco/Hermione. Very funny. Written in the format of letters, emails, voicemails, office memos, etc. http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2317704/1/Customer_Service
Abandon: Lord Voldemort-Tom Riddle/Harry Potter. Dark!Harry. http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2032067/1/Abandon
Bond: A lot of AWWWWH moments. http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2493456/1/Bond
Behind Blue Eyes: Blind!Draco. Minor angst. http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1995739/1/Behind_Blue_Eyes
Time Out of Place: Time travel. Angst. http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1143478/1/Time_out_of_Place
Somnio Eternus: Time travel. Draco/Hermione.http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2005967/1/bSomnio_b_bEternus_b
Parenting Class: Funny Draco/Hermione. I've been meaning to reread this for AGES. http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2064124/1/Parenting_Class
Nineteen Reasons: WTFEpilogue Compliant. Mostly. lol http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4819998/1/Nineteen_Reasons

I did this according to my fanfiction.net favorite stories list. Sometimes I stupidly don't add them to the list,

Top 10 Things/Places I Want To See

2010-05-08T14:02:00.002-04:00

Florence: OMG. The art. The food. The wine. The culture. The language. Everything about Italy just...appeals to me. And Florence, the Renaissance center of trade, culture, commerce and art and just about everything that rocks, is the place I want to see. The homecity of the infamous Medici family. MMM. However, this is not the only place in Italy I long to see, which will be further explained as the list progresses...
Barcelona: It wasn't the Scarlett Johansson movie that did it for me. Both of my cousins studied there for a year [not that that's the reason...] Even the name seems to just roll off the tongue in a sexy way. The architecture, I've heard, is a sight to be seen, and the locals are warm, welcoming and love tourists [so I've heard.] And as an art freako, I just REEEEEEALLY want to see the Gaudi buildings. =D {Take a train to Barcelona cuz this city's a drag...}
New Orleans: This is really date specific. I want to be there during Mardi Gras. Now that that's been settled, the French quarter just seems so romantic. I mean, it could have just been Interview With A Vampire, but it seems so sexy and subtle all at the same time.
Vienna: Home of Freud and Hertzl, Vienna seems to speak to me. The Palaces [and the Sachertorte mmmm] are a big focal point for me. Also, the birthplace of Marie Antoinette [or Maria Antonia, as she was known as an Austrian archduchess]. And =DDDD Freud's house. Kinda makes you think of revealing all of your deep, dark secrets. =P
India: I know. It's dirty. There's a lot of violence. And I can't even go into the Taj Mahal. But something about India seems to really speak to me. Maybe it's the ages old culture and religion, maybe it's the Polytheism. Maybe it's The Jungle Book [Baloo!] But I REALLY want to go to India.
Egypt: This should have actually been #1 on my list. I'm sorry for the mistake. But it got itself lowered out of frustration. Currently, I live around an 8 hour bus ride or so. And I can't go. Because no one wants to go with me. Because apparently there's nothing cool about Pyramids, the Nile or the Valley of the Kings. NAHHHHH. Because you can totally see that stuff in NEW YORK, RIGHT>! [grumble grumble] But I've been pretty much obsessed with Egypt since I was, like, 8. So you can see where the tremendous frustration is coming from.
Morocco: This could be because my family is Moroccan and because I'm totally obsessed with my culture and all of that. But Moroccan tea, couscous and the Sahara desert...sign me up! Silk scarves and bronze lanterns, Casablanca [mmm Humphrey Bogart!] and a little dab of French culture. =D
Venice: The canals are soooo romantic. The art is legendary. The churches are beautiful. And it's also site to the first Ghetto [or Geto] in Jewish history. Very important to see. And very much what I WANT to see.
Greece: There are two reasons to go here: historical and PARTAYYY. Greece is regularly voted on the top party spots in the world. And partying on a beach sounds really attractive to your standard 18 year old girl. But also THE PARTHENON!!! Seriously! So much culture and history to be seen. My cousin and aunt went there and they LOVED it.
Rome: The Roman ruins are a must see. But it's mainly the art, architecture and cafe culture that brings me to this city. But also ROMAN RUINS?!

I would have included London and Paris [as #1 and #2 respectively, but since I've already been, I didn't think that it would be fair to put it up there again. Even though I REALLY want to go back, cuz there were things I didn't get to see.] Also, additional places include Berlin, Moscow, Ireland, Japan and Savannah.

Top Five Books

2010-05-07T11:21:00.001-04:00

1. Harry Potter and the.....- I think all of them made the list. Because they're a series and they're just all lumped together into one package of awesome. But if I had to pick my favorite HP book, it's Half Blood Prince. Favorite Character: Either Snape or Hermione. And I ship Draco/Harry. And I hate Dumbledore and Ron is a giant eyeroll. And I would totally allow teenaged Sirius Black to have his way with me. =P

2. Perks of Being A Wallflower- Okay. SO. Everything about this book was just....made for me. And for every other emo kid of planet earth. And also for people who feel infinite. And for people who don't. And for people who are never trying acid again. And for people who enjoy the Smiths and need I say more.

3. A Great and Terrible Beauty- A reaaaaaaaallly good book series. It has the victorian suspense, excellent characterization and I LOVEEEEE MAGIC! =] Also, Kartik is just such a heartthrob. =]

4. Catcher In The Rye- Need I say more?

5. Lord of the Rings- Despite the 10000 pages of landscape description, there IS some action! Lol jkjk. And Gandalf is just awesome.

Top Ten Movies

2010-05-06T10:22:00.003-04:00

1.Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind- Maybe it's the fact that it takes place right next to my neighborhood, but this movie is just NUMBER ONE on my list. It's such a perfect film. Phenomenal acting, great writing, a REALLY good plot. It just...all adds up to make a movie I can really watch again and again. Also, favorite scene by far is the train scene. I don't know why. She's just so awkward and I can relate.

2. Lord of the Rings [all of them]- Need I say more? Also, Aragorn running through the fields of New Zealand I MEAN MIDDLE EARTH all dirty. SUCH MASSIVE WIN!

3. Moulin Rouge- OMGGG. Okay. I'm sorry but HE IS SUCH A MASSIVE DREAM OF A HUMAN BEING. Also, the music is like HAHAHAH OMG THIS IS WIN! And the Absinthe scene really just takes the cake.

4. Girl, Interupted- I love this movie. Angelina Jolie's performance was amazing, and I've always pretty much been a HUGE Winona fan. Also, I've felt like Winona's character pretty much every day of my life, so there's a huge relatability factor.

5.. Titanic- I know that this is a total cliche, but it's just such a timeless movie. I always cry at the way super end when Rose is "reunited" with Jack after she finishes telling the story. I'm always such a mess.

6. Gone With the Wind- And speaking of timeless movies, this movie is just. EPIC WIN! Also, my roomate is from Georgia, so this movie provides me with an endless amount of ways to make fun of her state. =D

7. Rocky Horror Picture Show- I will always be forever singing Rose Tint My World everywhere. Especially in my apartment. I know that the movie doesn't have much DEPTH, but it's a SERIOUS classic. My mother has seen it live an infinite amount of times, and my children will probably dress up in their underwear too. It's just the way it's going to be.

8. Everything Is Illuminated- A perfect balance of humor, Holocaust and Ukrainian accents. Also, Eugene Hutz shaved his moustache. Just that ALONE is worth the watch.

9. Almost Famous- The bus scene with Tiny Dancer, the perfect soundtrack, "I AM A GOLDEN GOD" acid trips...it all combines to make one hell of a good movie. Also, the reporter kid [forgot his name ARGHH] was sooooo cute. And kudos on the awesomeness of Francis McDormand.

10. American Beauty- This probably should have been higher on my list but whatever. I could literally watch this movie on repeat. I know that the plastic bag scene has become such a cliche, but SERIOUSLY. WHO'S BRAIN DO I NEED TO THANK FOR BEING BRILLIANT!?

Movie's that should have made the list: Beetlejuice, Saved!, Pan's Laberynth, Breakfast Club, Not Another Teenage Movie, Cruel Intentions, Mean Girls, Ferris Bueller's Day Off [Bueller....Bueller] and Clerks 2.

I would have added harry Potter movies, but in reality, they are shite.

Top 25 Most Listened To Songs On ITunes

2010-05-05T13:15:00.007-04:00

So, in efforts to make my blog a little more interesting, the rest of May will be Top Lists. I'm also going to TRY to have life updates, but we can see how reliable I am with that.

So here goes.

Top 25 Most Listened To Songs On My ITunes:

Tic Toc-Ke$ha [sorry guys. I have no shame.]

Anna Molly-Incubus

L'Assasymphonie-Mozart Opera Rock

Come With Me/Boi-The Idan Raichel Project

Scenic World-Beirut

Starlight-Muse

This Is Me-The Rocket Summer

Date Rape-Sublime

Mad World-Tears For Fears

The Back of Your Mouth-The Used

Sometime Around Midnight-The Airborne Toxic Event

Forever Young-Alphaville

Rewrite-Asian Kung Fu Generation

X Amount of Words- Blue October

The Authority Song-Jimmy Eat WOrld

Countdown-Jupiter One

Love Isn't A Competition But I'm Winning-Kaiser Chiefs

Smile Like You Mean It-The Killers

I Can Feel A Hot One-Manchester Orchestra

Sunburn VS The Rhinovirus-The Matches

Grace Kelly-Mika

Map of the Problematique-Muse

Desert Song-My Chemical Romance

Push It-Salt N Pepper

Liar {It Takes One to Know One}-Taking Back Sunday

Also, keep in mind, my ITunes got wiped around a month ago, so this is pretty much what I've been listening to for a month. Also, keep in mind, this changes a lot. For example, Rewrite is about to move up. Cuz I'm listening to it as we speak.

And the boys and the girls and the strings and the drums....

2010-05-05T13:12:00.001-04:00

guy-who-doesn't-want-name-on-blog: i'd love to be a gay girl in seminary and have pillow fights that lead to making out
Talia: HHAHAHAH
Talia: dude
Talia: we already do that
Talia: JKJK

guy-who-doesn't-want-name-on-blog: damn
guy-who-doesn't-want-name-on-blog: i was about to be genuinely excited

i am as vain as i allow; i do my hair, i gloss my eyes.

2010-04-26T16:15:00.004-04:00

it's been a while, due to my being back in school.

there's a lot to say and not a lot of good to say it here.

all i can say is that i am a whole lot of stuck.

you'd probably call me a fool...say I'm doing exactly what a coward would do.

2010-04-06T22:36:00.002-04:00

New book. The Year of Living Biblically.

Who would have thought the needed burst of religious inspiration, when everything is starting to get a little gray and lost the glitter (not that I have expectations that it's always like that, but it helps. Not going to lie here, guys) would be a book by a secular Jew about living according to the Bible. New and Old Testaments. Not my idea of religious living, but hey, I mean, then again. It is.

Ish.

Anyway, can't really describe it. But I was reading it today, and he is going through the Bible with such fervor. Trying his hardest to do everything to a tee. I mean, in 24 hours, he took on the biggies. The d'oriysas. Shomer negiah. I mean, he has no belief in G-d. He's doing all of this to FIND G-d. As in COMPLETE BLINDNESS.

And my reaction was along the lines of OH TALIA QUIT YOUR COMPLAININGGGGGG. this guy is awesome. And you need to be more like that. When it comes to conviction and devotion. Because I'm just.....not where I need to be. Why am I not where I need to be?

It said in the book that he's hoping that after 12 months of complete religious immersion, he will find religion. I had 7. Am I immersed?

But then again, I am leaps and bounds away from where I used to be....I think.

2010-03-24T23:28:00.003-04:00

Just to clarify things, the last post was about everyone making everything ridiculous for me about how I've "flipped." Or as my brother calls me, The Dolphin.

In recent news, apparently I look like I lost weight? GAWD I love this skirt. When I go back to Jerusalem, I'm buying 3 more. I look like 12 pounds lighter. <3 it.

I realized that I have nothing interesting to say anymore. When did I get so boring? Ha! When was I NOT boring?!

City tomorrow with Rose. Hm.

2010-03-22T23:59:00.002-04:00

Warning: Advisory Notice: Whining

So I come home. And as soon as I'm come home, I'm barraged with words of, you can't do this. It's not going to stick. What will you wear to the BEACH?! How are you going to live?!

And it's all just nagging at me. Why does everyone have to make things so much harder for me than they already are. I understand why ba'al tshuvahs always wind up seperating compeltely from at LEAST the friends they had before and the whole life they lived up until now. But I just don't want that to happen. I'm really hoping that at least someone will be supportive and just....shut up and let it happen.

Night after night, you say you move on. I don't know...I don't know

2010-02-25T13:48:00.003-05:00

I was going through old posts, old lj posts, looking at the music I was listening to way back when. And I remember songs that I haven't heard in ages, because they were on your cds and when I lost my music, I didn't reload all in all those songs. I lose everything.

And now I'm listening to Night After Night by The Sounds, and I wish I had all your cds with me. I wish I did.

Last night, Rose and I stayed up talking til 3 in the morning and I realized, I really do live in the past. Everything is about how much BETTER it was last year, 2 years ago, whatever. It's always nostalgia, it's always reflection. It's always history, and I wind up missing out on everything great about the NOW. I don't realize the friends that I'm stepping on or the fact that they're trying to reach out to me, because I'm so stuck in my own head. And I've decided to try, maybe, being more involved in the present. What is happening at this very moment.

When I go home, however, I'm still scavengering around for all of those cds. Chances are that I won't find them. Which I regret.

You hate the tenderhearted torch song.

2010-02-23T15:54:00.002-05:00

Life without internet means that I can't post. Ever. When really, a lot of stuff has been happening [meaning that my life is a complete bore] and I have so much to say and no time to say it [there's just nothing good to write.]

It's so easy to hide things here, and I'm not so sure if that's neccessarily a good thing. Can't really get away with Taliaisms around you guys, because you know what lies underneath them. "What's the matter?" "I'm tired." Yeah. That shite never flew with you. But I'm not exactly sitting around and waiting for people like that. I'd like to say I'm not being emooooo, but I am. I blame the meds. Side affects: depression, heart failure, suicide. Yup. Fuck concerta.

Anyway, life. So it's become highly official that my roomate and I can hardly stand each other [one of my roomates, anyway.] Way too much fighting. Way too much arguing. It's like high school all over again. Srsly. Cuz I'm an annoying, emotionally needy, physically clingy little fuck, and she has no patience. Can't blame her, but it doesn't stop me from having my own fair amount of yelling and arguing. This is ME we're talking about here.

Although, in all fairness, I'm much better than I used to be, and also, I come from a group of friends where hugging is the norm and NOT hugging is like.... -_- a lot of the time. We hug hello. We hug goodbye. We hug when we cry. We hug when we laugh. And here, I don't even get a hug when it's like, *walk into room* oh you're crying. And it's not like a stranger, ya know? I mean, like emotionally close stuff. Idk. I mean, I'm having unreasonable expectations. And I know it's fairly obvious...she's uncomfortable with me, even to a certain degree. I mean, she's not being homophobic or any of that, but she's not 100% with all of that. I mean, I'm the first out person she's ever met, so how CAN I expect different? I mean, in all fairness, she's been nothing but kind and accomodating for the most part, so maybe I'm just complaining? I don't know. And it could also be the fact that my randomass depression started up again once I restarted taking concerta. You know, when I get like....randomly sad for no particular reason and I mope around like an emo kid. Yeah.

I just need to go home. Funny. This time last year, all I needed to do was leave home. What is my issue?

When I come home, can SOMEBODY hug me?!

I'm floating down a river

2010-02-09T10:31:00.002-05:00

I'm looking through old pictures. It makes me feel as if it helps remind me of who I am and where I'm going. I don't know why or how, but then again, I'm just a nostalgic freak so it WOULD happen like that.

Remember when I had bangs?

Maria sent me a package. I literally squeed everywhere like a little girlllllll.

2010-01-31T08:30:00.002-05:00

So I moved apartments, and the new place doesn't have internet. Hense, I haven't had an opportunity to really be online. It's kind of nice, because my new roomate, Rose, is really awesome and we get along really well and it's a good sleeping arrangement, and there are things we both want from each other. I'm really extroverted and talkative and she's very introverted and quiet, so it's like a good exchange that's occuring. I'm teaching her to be more outgoing [idk how but I try] and she attempts to get me to shut up.

My mom came and is leaving tomorrow. It was really nice to see her, despite the fact that we fight a lot and yell at each other and sometimes she makes me completely miserable, but she's my mother and I love her so that's that. I mean, as far as mothers go, she's a really good mom. She's just very nitpicky, and I've just been very tense and depressed lately so that came forward and I sorta took it out on her and you know. The usual.

It's my birthday in 2 days, and I'm not even looking forward to it at all. I think that's a little sad, but maybe it's just due to the lack of celebration [or anyone to really celebrate it with.] Hm. 18. I feel like I ought to have turned 18 a while ago. Guess I didn't.

I lost all of my music/movies/pictures and documents. It sucks but I'm starting to get over it.

Gaga Ooh La La?

2010-01-14T18:48:00.002-05:00

A breakthrough?

I seem to have made a friend. Overnight, it seems. I'm trying to not get too excited about someone actually thinking I'm cool, but we know how great I am with playing it cool. But, seriously! It was uber mc randompants that this should all happen, but we were on tiyul in Eilat and we were friendly beforehand and we started talking and it was just like, hm. And then we went bungee jumping together and that sort of just layed the bricks of awesome. Cuz the following day, on the 6 hour hike, we sorta just chilled the whole time, and by the time we got back from Eilat, it was already like. Bamf. You are awesome.

I mean, like, we were friendsish before, but like. Yeah. We are corrupting Karla to being a liberal. And about our craziness. We sat at bagel night and just sort of yelled/recited the intro part to I'm A Fake just for funzies. And sorta just chilled in the piano room just like...talking, and then Rina who is awesome but I'm not sure if she wants to be my friend or not cuz it's just sorta weirdness. I don't know how to explain.

Anyway, I'm sorta just rambling away, but I like this Rose character a lot and it's sort of awesome to have friend[s].

And I'll hear my children and grandchildren sing LA LA LA LA LA LA LA

2009-12-29T18:58:00.002-05:00

I had a dream last night. I was given a time turner of some sort...I was sent back in time to right my wrongs. And I dreamed of you. I suppose I was just looking back on all of the mistakes I've made and I realize that I don't want to lose certain people from my life.

I know it seems like I'm holding on too tight, but maybe I'm not holding on tight enough. Because every moment that passes, I feel the life I had before slowly slipping from my fingers. Am I ready to give it up? I'm not sure. But maybe it's just that I'm not ready to start again. I don't want to start again. I want to right my wrongs. I want to set certain things straight...and perhaps there is no real way to do that except for going back in time. Except for discovering what exactly it was that I said and that I did and all of the things that happened. Not being there enough. Being there too much. Blaming others for not feeling wanted when really, it was me who didn't make you want to want me back.

Tonight, I spoke to Maria...her voice was such a solid anchor. It brought me back to everything I love about back home....Maria. The best friend that ANYONE could ever want. Always there for you, but never too there. Never clingy. Always there to make you smile. Always trying to make things better, to smooth over matters between everyone.

And the sad thing is that I can't remember what it was that I used to cry to her about. I know who it was about, but I can't remember why I said them. Or what I even said. And I suppose that's true...because, in the end, we don't really remember why we were angry or the things that were said, unless they were truely memorable. It's just the feeling you had. And, somehow, I can't remember why I felt that way. Only wishes that I didn't. Only wishes that I had stopped it, somehow.

I suppose it's just because I'm not really making any friends here, and I've managed to lose most of the ones I had before. It's hard to remember sometimes why people were your friend in the first place back home. Not in an emo way. Just in an introspective way.

I'm going to be 18 in a little over a month. And yet, I still feel just the way I did at 14. I'm still that scared little girl who pretends to be much smarter than she actually is, much braver and much more social, when really, inside I don't really think I'm worth that much. It's like that honesty box comment said....it's all just a mask for terribly low self esteem. I don't know. It's been 4 years, and yet...do I feel any older? I just feel like I've collected more experiences, but what does that even MEAN?

sing me to sleep, sing me to sleep...i'm tired and i, i want to go to bed

2009-12-16T21:49:00.002-05:00

...And other times, you look back at old pictures and old memories, and you remember that, at one point, you were loved. And it doesn't ever really go away.

And when you're feeling like you're just murking around in the bottom pit of your soul somewhere, you just look at pictures from 2006 and you think. Wow. October 2006.

Now THAT was a month.

Or August 2007.

Or November 2007.

And sometimes, you have a March 2007 and you need to just suck it up. Because I can look at the course of my life and I know that I have all the power in the world to get from March into August. No matter how many nights you cry into your pillow and no matter how empty your heart feels. No matter how lost and scared and alone you feel, you can never give up.

And when you have no one to hold you close and tell you that it's alright, you just remember that one morning in Ms. Downey's Drawing and Painting class, you came into the room, upset about how Angela can't stop drinking and how it's hard to be her friend when you just want more out of it, and about how much you care about her. And then someone just remarks on how mature you are, and gives you the warmest hug.

And you remember that this was your first real hug.

Or that you had just gotten into a big fight with a good friend, and you just left class in the middle to go to the bathroom and cry your eyes out. And you hear the bathroom door open, and a voice says, "Talia," and knows exactly which stall you're in, because she's right outside your door. And you open the door, and despite how she wasn't talking to you, she pulls you in and holds you tight. Just because. Because that's what friends do. That's what you said when I asked why you came to find me. Because that's what friends do.

And the best part is that I could sit here all night and tell these stories. Because I have stories like this. Stories of Strawberry HagenDaas and a package of cigarettes and a friend just walks with you because nothing in the world is right except for these moments during second period. It's to the people who were there for you when no one else was.

And sometimes, it's hard. Because you need to go from these extremes of REAL friendship, of people who love each other...who really love each other. And then you enter the Marches, the Freshman Years, where you sit alone in the library instead of going to lunch, because there is no one to talk to except for this one girl who can't speak English and even she's hit the road by now.

But sometimes, those girls who can't speak English but you talk anyway with hand motions....those girls wind up becoming the girls who you cry with and walk with and watch James Bond with.

I can get through this.

There is a better world. There must be.

The pages are all torn and frayed

2009-12-16T20:56:00.003-05:00

Sometimes, I just don't understand the world. I don't understand things at all and social situations...well..they just don't make sense.

How come I can never seem to make friends? And the ones I do make...they never really stick around for long. It soon becomes me chasing after them, trying to talk to people who don't really care to be around any longer.

And I don't really understand why I'm put here, in this world...I don't mean this in an emo, woe-is-me way. I just don't understand what I have to contribute at all...just a lot of social awkwardness and mental issues and nostalgia. I miss what it feels like to be important to someone...to matter.

What the hell am I doing here? I've been asking myself this question for far too long.

remember to one who lives there, she once was a true love of mine

2009-12-09T17:17:00.002-05:00

Most of the time, I feel incredibly lonely here.

Most of the time, I don't want to be here anymore. I want to be with people who I don't feel like an outcast to. I'm so sick of the people here...I'm sinking into my winter woe. That ever-present winter woe, the feeling that I don't really belong here. Or anywhere. That sinking feeling that, perhaps, I'm not supposed to really be here...I'm an anomaly. I'm a mistake.

But I can't let it get to me. I'm not here for them. I'm here for myself. I just wish that it wasn't so lonely here.

And how my mistakes have made you heart break; still need you here with me

2009-12-06T16:12:00.003-05:00

We don't give up who we are, and we don't abandon who we have moved on from. Past loves and lovers and people you just called at 1 in the morning and they didn't even ask.

I suppose I'm just nostalgic as usual, but I just got flashbacks from over 2 years ago.

Has it been that long? Has it been that long since I was really hugged? Since I felt like I meant something to someone? I don't mean this in an emo sort of way. Just in a nostalgic way. I don't mean to bring up painful memories, but they're just not painful to me anymore. It's almost like a warm feeling inside, knowing you were really meaningful. I suppose it's hard sometimes, because I'm still out there, waiting for a friendship like I had with people in the past, because I'm moving towards a direction that I suppose the people I have loved [and continue to love, because you never stop loving friends like the ones I have] can't relate, and I'm going to a place where I feel that I'll relate to THEM more than they'll relate to me, which is a big problem if you know what I'm getting at.

But life isn't about peaking for a few monthes during high school, because truth be told, I wasn't happy than either. I read the blogs, and I was miserable in my head. But when we look back on those moments, nothing really seems so sad anymore, because all of those things that seemed so important at the time just fade away with time, and all you're left with is the knowledge that you were loved, and those times you just hugged because it was the only logical thing to do. All of the smiles and all of the cups of tea with 1% milk.

I suppose, it's because I'm so far removed from the person I was then...because I seem to go through these evolutions like Madonna, and the next person has SOMETHING in common than the last, a little bit of that same spark. But I never look back.

But I'm not ready to give it up. Not ready to give it all up, because every step I take, everyone that I have touched travel with me.

ra rah ah ah ah roma roma ah ah ga ga ooh la la

2009-11-28T14:18:00.002-05:00

I don't get it when people who claim to be your friends pay absolutely no attention to you.

How is that a friend? Ever?

I mean, it's like...outright ignoring. As if your existance is of no importance to them.

I just hate it when people act like this.

See previous human-kind is disappointing comment.

This isn't new or anything; I just expected maturity and tolerance by this point

2009-11-26T18:49:00.006-05:00

Sometimes, I get so disappointed in people. The stupid, pointless arguements people start, and I just wonder why. I mean, I know that I'm always disappointed by people's behavior, but sometimes things happen that just take you aback. Like a friend just assaulting you on aim about your beliefs about your homeland and then yelling at you that you have no idea what you're talking about and that she can'tbe friends with me. Because I don't live in the country that she's talking to me about or anything? I haven't crossed the green line and I haven't been in danger or anything? Right. I don't know anything about the situation or all.

I think that's a beautiful thing to say from the safety and security of the United States of America. Because rockets aren't fired every single day into New York City, and people in America don't know what real fear is.

But mostly, I'm just disappointed that what I believe should matter. Because I was raised on the belief that the fact that not everyone is the same is what makes people so great, and that it's the DIFFERENCES between people that make this world so great.

I don't know about you guys, but I don't make my friends take a litmus test.

I got the new Lady GaGa CD and it's AWESOME

2009-11-24T14:00:00.003-05:00

Sometimes, it gets lonely here. But I suppose most people are just too IMPATIENT to deal with me or something.

I don't really have much to say, I suppose. I guess it was just nice having a friend around here.

Just because I felt like it

2009-11-22T16:06:00.001-05:00

Tangerine...tangerine

2009-11-17T17:05:00.003-05:00

It's raining in Jerusalem. It's a contemplative rain, and I feel a little nostalgic looking at it and sitting by a window. it's almost like being a home, a little.

I'm reading Perks of Being A Wallflower all over again, and this time, I really do FEEL it. I feel exactly what's going on, and it's like an understanding and an empathy for Charlie that I never had. I suppose because when I read it the first time, I hadn't experienced so much of the things that have helped to make me who i am. So I bring to the table now, after so many years, a whole new set of eyes. Kind of. I haven't gotten up to Christmas yet, but I think when I do, I'll cry a little. But out of nostalgia and of missing you, not because I'm sad.

I suppose it's just weird, reading it and all, because when he talks about feeling infinite, I know exactly what that means, and I think we all do. But then I suppose it brought on my new lens of seeing things, and I suppose I'm just questioning everything.

I know that those infinite feelings are not what life is about, because that's just not in line with what I'm learning here, but the "other Talia," or Talia Talia, as Rachel puts it, still believes in 11:11 and infinite moments, and I don't neccessarily see the problems with that.

I suppose I'm still graplling with things, but I need to make my list for Rachel. The Secular Talia vs. religious Talia list.

There's a lot of things running through my head and I can't seem to pen them all, but I think I'm just moving forward at lightining speed and finishing Letters to a Buddhist Jew sort of helped that out, because it just put me in a...place. You know. It's like he said....it's not the destination....it's the journey we go on that develops us.

Identify the problem, now let's see if we can fix anything

2009-11-09T14:52:00.004-05:00

Is it possible that I hold others to higher standards than I hold myself? I think that I really do, because it seems to me that I get really angry at others for doing things that I myself have done, and I seem to treat them like, oh, you're so stupid. You're all off the derech. You're all whatever. But then again, who the hell am I to talk, right?

I mean, I get all pissed at my brother for saying and doing things that are, quite frankly, rediculous and stupid and pointless. But then again, I've been there and I've done that and I'm no one to be talking about doing right and doing wrong.

Am I a hypocrite? I suppose it really can go either way.

I am nowhere near perfect enough to pass any judgement on anybody...but then why am I such a judgemental person? Why do I put everyone else under such scrutiny, except for myself? Am I not harsh enough on myself or am I too harsh on everyone else?

Turn Around Bright Eyes, Every Now and Then I Fall Apart

2009-11-09T13:39:00.002-05:00

Saturday was awesome. We played a massive game of Mau in the square that lasted for 3 hours. Edward and I sat and partially analyzed Fellowship of the Ring, until Yechiel and Joe were like, "Hey. Want to come to the movies to see An Education?" So we went to the Jerusalem Art House [not Art Haus lol] and went to see a British indie film. Maria would have LOVEDDDDD it. It made me miss her soo much.

We went on a Tiyul to the Negev. I scaled a mountain, and slept in a gym. We saw a *mysterious blimp* that the Israeli Government says does and doesn't exist. LOL. I pooed on a rock. TMI, brought to you by Talia Sabag.

Tomorrow is Tuesday, i.e. Rav Milston's Chassidut class. WHY DOES HE HAVE TO BE IN THE UNITED STATES FOR THE NEXT WEEEEEEEEK. =[

I suppose I didn't really have much to say, but I'm kind of just bored and aimless.

Money, money, money must be funny in a rich man's world.

2009-11-05T12:22:00.003-05:00

So I've written a short story, but it's nowhere near done. It needs more editting. Especially the last paragraph. And it's also nowhere near LONG enough. I feel like I don't have more to say, but 2 pages is just....bloooop.

Bagel night at Harova. Tonight's bagels were ACTUALLY good. It's so surprissing, considering this is Israel, but Japanika has good sushi, so it's all in the air.

Just spoke to Rita. It's so odd that I have hardly spoken to her in so long, because it's so strange to go from always seeing each other to NEVER seeing each other, but I suppose we were edging toward that for a while. I get rather fearful that I'm going to come home and everyone will have just moved on with their lives and this and that and it's just so....dissettling. At least I know that Leah is still on the ILoveTalia camp of th field, because she emails me and it's just so nice to know that people stil think of me. Not like, out of sight out of mind. And I think it's so interesting, because we were having such problems for so long, but I think all we really needed was some space. I hope that's true for everyone else.

Though I don't really know WHO reads this blog anymore, so it's all rather moot to have on here, isn't it.

In greater news, where in the world is Yitzi? I haven't seen him in, quite literally, forever. That's what happens when one becomes a serious yeshiva student. I suppose I should be encouraging this sort of behavior, because this is how one SHOULD behave when one's parents are paying a king's ransom to have their kid study in israel, but still. I miss talking to him...it was nice having a friend in Israel. Ah well.

I'm tired of words and I'm too hoarse to shout

2009-11-03T11:39:00.002-05:00

Today, was Shoah [Holocaust] Studies. We watched the first 49 minutes of The Pianist, ending just when they have carted everyone off for Treblinka. And to step out from watching 500,000 Jews of Warsaw being carried off to their emminent deaths to the Cardo...it was one of the most profound moments of my life. Because I step out, and there's a group of Chassids on the corner, right outside the Chabad. And walking down the steps is a family of Charedim. A group of small schoolchildren runs past me, talking rapidfire Hebrew. And I'm in Jerusalem. Not only am I home, am I in Eretz Yisrael, but I'm in Jerusalem.

And it brings a person to tears. I felt a wave of emotion come from me.

We're here.

I ought to make the most of the present that Hashem gave me, and that Hashem gave all of you who are reading this blog. Life. Because 6 million didn't get that chance. The 500,000 Jews of Warsaw didn't get the chance to live life without fear.

Why is it so hard for me to truely devote myself to Frumkeit? It seems almost childish, selfish, immature. Oh, I know better. Oh, the secular world is just so glittery and nice. Why do I hold attachments to things that I know SO deep in my gut are the farthest thing from Emet? What did those things ever do for me, except for causing unhappiness and confusion? I know what I need to do, and I know what it is that lies ahead.

And despite all of the questions that I ask, and despite my opening up to teachers, students, really putting myself out there, and being greeting with nothing but warmth, understanding and Ahava, I am still confronted with doubts. What is the way to go? Am I going the right way? How can I really be sure? Will this stick, or will this just beone of those things that I take up and then drop like a hat, because I lack willpower and initiative. Rachel [fav teacherrrrr] says that this is normal, but I just feel like this is just all going to crash down.

I don't know. Maybe I need to do what Rav Milston says and CALM DOWN.

Falafel for dinner tonight in the Chadar Ochel. Yum.

I hear a soft echo in the emptiness

2009-11-02T07:29:00.003-05:00

Sometimes, I get really homesick, and I just want to go home. I just really want to go home. I think it's the season, because Jerusalem just started getting chilly and it reminds me of those Oceanside autumns with pumpkin spice lattes and walking to dunkin doughnuts and sitting in parking lots and just...existing, because school doesn't really begin until winter. People are still people in autumn.

And wearing my scarves and my turtlenecks and making hot coffee...it's just too much like home. Too much like you. And you. And you. And I wish that you were with me right now, being there for me when everything turns to shit, which is often does. And it's strange, not being with you guys.

November 24th is coming up soon, and I wish that one of you guys were with me now.

Even Angela.

Okay, maybe not Angela.

I don't really have a name for this crap.

2009-10-22T18:15:00.003-04:00

I get so nostalgic for life back home. I get so nostalgic for the way things used to be.

Meira turned to me today, when I was having issues [not that the issues are gone, but I'm just in a sort of trapped world here. I want to come home, but I'm waiting for it to pass.] and just told me, in a completely earnest voice, it would be so much simpler if you just didn't believe in G-d.

And that's the connundrum, isn't it. It's such a fucking challenge to overcome all of my old habits, my ways of thinking. It's shedding off everything I used to be so that I can become someone new, and I don't think I can do it. And I know deep inside that this choice is the right choice, because I believe in G-d, and I believe in everything he says. But I'm in a bubble here. And if it's rediculously, insanely, unbelievably hard here, I can't imagien what it's going to be like next year.

When all I want to do is just be the person I feel like I am inside. Because I'm trying to overcome all of it, but I just can't. I feel so trapped and lost. And I feel like no one understands, and there's no one there to really listen. No one who will understand how I feel.

Because it seems just so fucking easy for everyone else here. But then again, no one here really comes from the background I come from.

One step ahead of the pack of Marlboros

2009-10-15T09:04:00.002-04:00

I'm sort of excited for the week to end...it's so stressful and brain-busting, going right back into learning after a useless bein hazmanim. Tomorrow, I get to wake up at 10 and do a load of laundry. And just read. It's going to be amazing. I can just do what I please and have a nice day to myself. I really want to finish Letters to a Buddhist Jew already, because there are so many books I want to read. I saw a Benjamin Blech book just chilling in the Beis, and I really wanted to read it, only because it's Benjamin Blech and I feel like I ought to. Gotta show some love to YIO.

Some creepy Israeli teenagers [severeeeeee Arsim] just decided to crowd around Megan and her guitar Betsey May and demand her to play something. ROFLCOPTER. She totally could have made asolid 20 shek. Which means a bagel. Yeah, pretty much. 20 shek will get you a bagel with cream cheese. Or a falafel in lafa with a can of Diet Coke. For some reason, bagels are redic expensive here. It's not that the currency is bad because it's only 3.80 to the American dollar.

Yesterday, Megan and I watched a Walk To Remember with Ben and Jerry's. Two pints. It was amazing. Meira's no fun, now that she has sworn off ice cream, television, movies, sweets, sugar, cake, cookies and is days away from taking on a Vow of Silence. She's our resident monk. With a scary boyfriend. Happens.

I forgot the tangent I was going on because Megan and I tried to get the chords to Poker Face and they're just too weird to play on guitar for her. Because she only started playing 4 days ago. But in 4 days, she can play quite well. So I suppose she'll be playing classical guitar in like. A week.

Hate her.

Megan and I wrote this about Adrian. And his big head.

2009-10-11T09:03:00.003-04:00

[to the tune of Wonderwall. Because everyone plays this in the square. Always. And the parts that don't seem in tune is because we talk those.]

[Megan]I know that you think your IQ is 162
And I know that I’ll never be quite as good as you
And you don’t believe that anybody can reach your high platOOO right now or ever

[Both]And all the streets you walk are with Meira
You stole our friend; we hate you with Meira
And we don’t like the way you talk and the way you condescend cuz you’re highly annoying.

[Both]And we say Adri-an
The sun shines from your ass, oh Adrian
And after all, you know it all

[Talia]Back beat, the word is on the street that you don’t like Joe either
That’s okay, no one really cares, you’re just kinda pretentious
Making a hierarchy of your friends is kinda homosexual and you’re kind of a woman

[Both]And all the streets you walk are with Meira
You stole our friend; we hate you with Meira
And we don’t like the way you talk and the way you condescend cuz you’re highly annoying.

[Both]And we say Adri-an
The sun shines from your ass, oh Adrian
And after all, you know it all

So I'm burning the thoughts of the things that I once said

2009-10-10T14:23:00.002-04:00

1. Yitzi neeeeeeds to sign himself off of Gmail. Grrrrrrrrr.

So yes. I know I haven't really posted in forever and a half. I've been busy. Being a bum. Not doing the right thing. Not that there is necessarily a right thing to be doing during Bein HaZmanim, but whatever the right thing is, I didn't do it. I, more or less, threw away Yom Kippur. Yeah. Pretty much hate myself right now.

But anyway, the camping trip up north was a DISASTER. It got cliquey. It got gross. Adrian and Meira were couple-y and I was just like....welll.....hmmm...let me read some Letters to a Buddhist Jew and manage to get SOMETHING worthwhile done. At least I finished 30 pages. ARGHGG.

Went to Shaindy's sister for lunch today. There was a girl from MMY there [YITZI DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!!! I DIDN'T GET HER NUMBER FOR YOU.] And we were talking about the MMY night of tears, when they all pretty much get the talk about breaking up with their boyfriends and then they all, at the same time, more or less call them up and tell them that it's over. And then Shaindy was talking about the Sukkot talk that R' Nissel gave Michlala [HATRED. SUCH HATRED. R'NISSEL IS MY FAVORITE MAN OF ALL TIME!!!!!!!!! WHY CAN'T HE TEACH AT HAROVA. WHY DOES HE TEACH AT MICHLALAH AND AT MIDRESHET TEHILLA. WHY DO MIRIAM AND SHAINDY HAVE HIM, BUT NOT ME?!?!?!?!?!??! I WAS HIS FAVORITE ON YARCHEI KALLAH!!!!!!!!!]

Whatever. Point is, that the talk they got was about just not meeting boys because you regret it later, and all of those things, and I'm not going to get into the exacts because it is not important for the story. But it just got me to thinking about how every time I take a step forward, I seem to take a step back. I mean, the step back is a smaller step than the step forward, but still. I'm not getting where I need to get. Is it due to the people I've been hanging out with here? Is it because I'm still, even at least a little, attached to the person I used to be? Idk. But I reverted to my old self with Tash and Megan and Meira, and we sat in the Armenian quarter late at night, and then I just felt like a complete tardhead. And I know that I would be told by you that I AM a tardhead, but I just can't isolate everything and I don't really know WHAT to do. But Monday, I'm going to Rachel Himmelstein and telling her that we need to talk about things, and I'm going to open up to her about everything. Well not EVERYTHING. Because some things I can just get the boot for. But I'm going to think about what it IS that I want to say, because, quite frankly, I need to make the most out of this year. And I don't want to end this year thinking that I could have done more, could have been more. I don't want to be one of those girls that gets their OH WAIT! moment in February, when they realized that they wasted half their year in the square, or drinking, or hanging out, when there was all of that Torah to learn, all of that growing to do.

Because, quite frankly, I'm not really getting this time back.

Unless I come back for Shana Bet. Rofls.

Here is the girl you love to care about, girl why don’t you run?

2009-09-28T14:47:00.003-04:00

They weren't kidding when they said that you reach these crazy spiritual highs when you daven with Harova on Yom Kippur. They really weren't.

I had the most intense Musaf today. I cried. I broke down and started crying in the middle of Vidui. I mean, not like Rav Shames crying, who could barely finish Neilah, he was so choked up, but it was significant enough.

This sounds crazy, but I could actually feel my sins just...floating away from me. And I think that it's a perfect follow up to the night before, all of this change. But now my challenge is to keep the high going...to make it a lasting change, and not those new year's resolutions that never actually happen. Which are predominantly all New Year's Resolutions. Regardless of what New Years you make them on.

I don't know what direction I should walk, or where I should go first...all I know is the destination I want, and that I can't do it alone. And I know that he is right...I need to leave all of my fears behind; my fears about really opening up, and making myself vulnerable. Because not everone is judgemental, and will look at me for who I was, but for who I could be.

Well, I'm off to go to the beis and find myself, or at the very least, finish a perek of Shir Hashirim.

Within the sound of silence.

2009-09-27T06:41:00.002-04:00

It's interesting, but the friendship I have now with Meira is almost identical to the friendship I had with you at the end of sophomore year, beginning of Junior year. But not like that though. It's very strange, but it's familiar yet different.

I can't really describe exactly the whole thing, but I wanted to sort of just put it down. Maybe because I've forgotten what it was like to have that sort of connection to someone. Because I haven't really had that sort of snuggle, handholding schmooshiepoo kind of friendship since then, and I missed it. But even sort of worse, I've forgotten how great it was to be close with someone like that.

But it's not like how it was before, because it's mutual and nothing is ever going to happen because I don't even want it to.

I don't know why I put this here, but perhaps I'd like to remember everything when I am old and can't remember how it felt to be 17. Perhaps because I can't remember 14 anymore. Because it seems like it was all so simple and fun, and I know for a fact that it wasn't. I don't even know what I'm rambling about now.

Blog+Talia=bad idea. It's just an excuse for me to blurt out everything I'm thinking on the internet. I<3INTERNET.

It's just a bittersweet symphony, this life

2009-09-27T04:42:00.003-04:00

Sometimes, you have moments when you realize who real friends are, and what they look like. That isn't to say that Meira and Megan and Jess and Asher and Joe and Maggie and Edward aren't good people, and I don't like them a tremendous deal, because I do. But last night, I just started crying my eyes out to a real friend, and there's just something about speaking to someone and them REALLY listening that is almost nearly magical. Or something.

It's just that I want SO badly to be someeone that I can be proud of, to be the person that I've always wanted to be. And when that fails, when I'm not that person, I'm just failing myself. And then last night happened. But despite the fact that I am so thankful that he is there to pick up all those pieces when I fall and when I fail, that he's there to listen and to help me, I know that I cannot let that last. Because, first of all, it's not fair to HIM to be that person, because you can't just be someone's shoulder. Because I did that to Rita, and it ruined everything. And also, I mean, maybe I need someone with more authority, more experience, to really help me. And, even more so, how do I know that he will be there to help me pick up all those pieces every time. I mean, I want him to be [not the picking up the pieces, but to continue being my friend], because he is one of my closest friends, but I know how these things happen. I have all too much experience with losing friendships with the people I consider and considered and etc my best friends. Marci, Esther, Rita, etc etc.

But this comes to the ultimate issue that I've had for years. Like Rita told me, no one can help you but yourself.

And I know that change happens slowly, that you can't just put everything on your plate and expect it to stay stable. I know that it has to be little by little, or else it will just come toppling over on you eventually. I need let it become a process. But I promised myself this last night, and I intend on keeping this promise: this time next year, I WILL be the person that I can be proud of. I will be the person that I've always wanted to be.

This is what Megan, Jess, Meira and I do during beis time when we're burned out and bored.

2009-09-22T15:16:00.003-04:00

This is what we did to our square-society. We gave them different characters of LOTR and Harry Potter. I suppose that this is much funnier if you KNOW these people, but we were on the floor laughing. Especially Megan as Cho Change and Alex as The Ring. ROFCOPTERS.

Harry Potter List:

Talia—Hermione
Meira—Sirius Black
Megan—Cho Chang
Jess—Luna Lovegood
Boris—Seamus Finnegan
Adrian—Dumbledore
Joe—Voldemort
Asher—George Weasley
Alex—Cedric Diggory
Yitzi—Snape
Edward—Flitwick
Tamar—Lavender Brown

Lord of the Rings:
Talia—Samwise Gamgee
Meira—Pippin
Megan—Arwen
Jess—Eowen
Boris—Gimli
Adrian—Gandalf
Joe—Saruman
Asher—Tree Beard
Alex—The Ring
Yitzi—The Eye of Sauron
Edward—Aragorn
Tamar—Merry

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart

2009-09-21T09:25:00.002-04:00

So Rosh Hashanna has just passed, and now it's Tzom Gedalia [the fast day that follows Rosh Hashanna.] So now I'm just chilling around, being mildly hungry, and antisocial. Which is directly in opposition to how I was yesterday [a giant social beast, to clarify matters.] Yardena came from her middle-of-nowhere, fake seminary on the border of Jordan, so it was really nice to see her. And we dominated the corner of the square...me, Boris, Yardena, Yitzi, Edward, Joe, Asher, Adrian, Meira, Megan, Jess...a lot of people just came and went, but much of the core group was present. And then we went to the old square, and ordered a pie of pizza and it was decent but not very good at all [to be honest]. But that's just because I'm used to New York pizza. Which is the superior pizza.

And we sort of just chilled until curfew, when I went home and like...collapsed in sleep. I don't really know why I was so tired, but I went right to sleep like a little baaaaaaayby.

I got really homesick at Safta's and really didn't enjoy it very much, but that's because she rather creeps me out and I wasn't really into deciphering her old lady stuff. Erghads. Meh. And now I'm hungry, poor, and fasting. We break fast at 7. So I'm going to try to eat like...a salad to break my fast, and then hopefully the fast will just be an anorexic cleanse, instead of the usual excuse for me to gain five pounds in one night by eating like 12000 calories. Which is the post-fast norm for me. Bad Talia. Very bad. Positively naughty. xDDDD

So Meira/Meerzy [lol I haven't found the perfect nickname for her yet. But I will *evil grin*] watched When Harry Met Sally and The Hunchback of Notre Dame today in my room, and then came out to the square, and hense where I am now. But I think I'm going to go do some reading of Letters to a Buddhist Jew [which is really good but I really want to finish, because it's Yitzi's and I've had it for a while and I feel reaaaaaaally bad. Next I'm borrowing Adrian's book. Which I forgot the title of, but it sounded really quite good.]

The new Muse cd is rather good. Suggest all of you readers to go get it. Enjoy. Partake in music.

XOXO
Talia

Here we go now, headed to the east side

2009-09-14T10:53:00.003-04:00

I had a dream last night that I came back home for a day, and Sangeeta, Rita and Katheen were all swimming in wetsuits, and when they hugged me, it was squishy and weird. I got kind of homesicky and strange. But then I suppose it became alright in the end, because I'm not as homesick anymore.

Actually, the homesickness has kind of been on and off for the past few days. Thank goodness for Yitzi [the name drop was necessary for his ego, I suppose] because he calmed me down at, like, 4 in the morning when I had a small freakout.

OH AND ALSO DINNER TONIGHT IS A GOOD DINNER!!!! It's custom omlettes. YUM.

And then I notice two seminary girls and they hug and shriek, because they haven't seen each other in one whole week

2009-09-07T14:25:00.003-04:00

I'll begin this entry namedropping [Yitzi.] I just went for Schawarma with [Yitzi.] It was good. It was in laffa. Laffa is delicious. Now Yitzi can read this and know he was in it SOMEWHERE. xD

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I haven't even had a moment to breathe...soooo busy. Tonight was free night [meaning we get off at 7 at night...night seder is optional.] A bunch of people went to this bar/comedy club, which I did NOT want to do, so I just pulled in a night in. Had some shawarma with Yitzi. Discovered where to plug in my comp in the square [BBQ. Win!]

I'm having an amazing time. I really am. I miss the girls back home a TON, but I'm making all of these amazing friends, despite them being rova rats xD.

I really don't have anything substantial to say, because I can't really put into words all of the insane things I'm feeling about being here, and all the places I want to take my life.

You're so cute when you're slurring your speech, but they're closing the bars and they want us to leave.

2009-09-01T10:41:00.003-04:00

Men are the absolute definite suckage of life. They suck. They really do. They have this way to them o making you feel completely lost without them, when in reality, it has GOT to be the other way around.

It's just a massive slap in the face when he turns around and behaves in a way that EVERYONE would agree is absolutely inappropriate. Completely non-acceptable. And when I went on to facebook, and saw that I had just been divorced, it was sort of just like a giant crack in my chest. I don't know why, but it hurt. Bad. And why? Because he's all "goo-goo" for Megan. I don't get what he's playing at, or why he's acting like this, but it's just. I want to yell really loud a giant "F-YOU." But I'm currently taking Shmirat HaLashon.

He's supposed to be my friend. He was really supposed to be my friend.

And also, I'm about to punch my roomate in the face. Patience has worn thin. Used underwear was on the floor. EW. EW. EW.

2009-08-31T14:49:00.002-04:00

Perhaps my troubles making riends was not with me. Maybe it was the places I was in. Or perhaps everyone here is just as crazy as I. But I'm here for only one week...just one week, and I've already made some crazy-close friends, and a great deal of friends and even more nice people I want to become friends with.

[Enter namedropping.] Frankie is seriously amazing. She's one of the amazing Brits that are amazing and nice and sweet and hysterical. And then there's Sara, who is another one of the Brits that are sooooo super sweet and funny and I'm already depressed for when we have to seperate in June. Carly is really funny and exaggerated and INSANE. She and I are spending next shabbos together and it's going to be SOOOO much fun! Maggie is my fellow Moroccan in Crime...also British. Love the Brit girls. Meira is the most CHILL girl I've ever met EVER. And she'sa so fantastic and amazing and I really feel like I can talk to her about sooo much stuff. And she is such a genuine sweetypie, despite eating my Pringles [rofl.] Megan and I are like ROFL bff. She calls Yitzi, Yitzi "I-Know-Everything" Ditzkin. HAHAH. She, him and I seem to chill randomly when he needs to use my computer or just random situations when HE SHOULDN'T BE HANGING OUT WITH GIRLS BECAUSE HE'S SHANA BET! xD lol. rofl. And then there's Talia. It's the strangest thing, being friends with her, because speaking to her...it feels often like I'm taking to myself. So we just call eachother Deitzch and Sabag. She's really funny and amazing, and she also applied to Wellesley and Bard. She's going to Union, and we talk about how we're so much better because we're going to Liberal Arts school. And there are others, but I can't really remember them all. lolll.

So here comes the part when I say just how excited and happy and etc I am to be here. Here learning, I mean. This is going to be an amazing year. And every little thing just keeps adding to the desire i've always had to become more frum, but was always afraid to. But I'm just going to try and stop letting all of the outside influences try to make decisions for me, and let myself become the person I want to become. I wrote a long blurb about it a few days ago, so I might just post it later.

I have a lot of things happening, and I have so much to get ou and rant about before I start getting all philosophical about all of the amazing things that I am learning. But I totally can't even keep it all in my brain. Because thats just it. There is just way too much going on.

And I'm hungry now. So I'll just feed myself. CHEERIO!

I won't tell you that I love you, kiss or hug you, cuz I'm bluffin with my muffin

2009-08-27T15:26:00.003-04:00

I'e ben here for 2 days. Only two days, and it already feels as if I'm not somewhere new, but instead, I'm home. It's strange. Some of the girls, I feel like we've known each other for years, and not just a couple of days. It's a tremendous thing...and maybe it's because, like Rabbi Milstone told us at orientation, for the next year, we're going to be each other's spouses...SO up in each other's faces that we won't know what to even do with each other.

I've been crazy busy over the past 2 days. Every morning [and hopefully every morning for the rest of the year] I have been davening at the kotel. We've had orientation business [and when I say business, I mean BUSYness] for the past 2 days. Tomorrow is a free day; I'm going to Machane Yehuda [the shook] with Megan [i.e. my new BFF lol. Srsly.] going shopping for the apartment.

It's been completely amazing, and I know it's going to be breathtaking. And I don't think I'll ever be going back to the way things where, because already, in 2 days, I'm sort of getting an idea of the person I want to be. But its not superficial, outside things I'm talking about. But it's a sort of internal WOW moment of utter hypocracy and insanity.

Like, if I'm doing this, I'm doing this the right way.

Also, Megan [who=awesome] will be learning poker face on the piano, while I accompany on vocals [lol laugh it up.] Video will come when it is perfected.

I miss everybody a lot, and I can't believe shabbos is here already, but hopefully I'll speak to people sooner or later [I can only have internet for a very little window of time, because I'm in class all day. So try to catch me at least once!!!!!!]

PS: I don't think I mentioned this, but everyone is SOOOOOOO nice. Like, legit. I mean, REALLLY nice and sweet. Especially the Britgirls, who have the most fabulous accent ever. Like, Frankie and Sophie are like totallllll dolls, Vancouver!Megan is like my conjoined twin with the cool Vancouver accent, and Carly is so bubbly and fun and we're doing next shabbos together. =D

I AM HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIFE

25 things about me

2009-08-24T01:12:00.001-04:00

1. I like the taste of tums.
2. When people are silly, it makes me laugh.
3. I get really upset when people "take the mickey out on me," despite the fact that they are joking, because somehow it feels at least a little truthful.
4. I actually fell asleep reading Wuthering Heights. Is this a problem?
5. I have an overly curious nature. Much like Alice.
6. I enjoy the smell of Axe.
7. My feet have really high arches, which makes most shoes very uncomfortable.
8. I still can't decide what I like better: green or orange.
9. I've always wanted to cut my hair short, but know that this would only result in an unfortunate afro.
10. I never have enough socks or hangers, despite how many of these I buy in a year.
11. I really do want a potbellied pig. They look so snuggly.
12. I spend too much time on the computer, but this is out of the lack of other things to do.
13. I always wonder if I am never invited anywhere because people don't want me there or because I'm too uncomfortable with inviting myself places, afraid that I'm not wanted there.
14. Despite my extroverted nature, being around others makes me uncomfortable and lonely. Maybe I'm not reall y extroverted?
15. Sometimes, I hear a certain song and it really brings me back. Usually, this makes me both happy and sad at the same time.
16. I'm afraid of the future. I am far too comfortable to just sit in the past and think. This is probably why I am so into History. There is nothing threatening, imposing, looming or scary about the Past. It's already happened.
17. I'm really just loud and obnoxious as a subconcious desire to built a barrier between me and everyone else. I'm trying to break that barrier. That may not be a good thing.
18. I really like salty foods far more than sweet foods. Potato chips>chocolate.
19. Chinese food is my comfort food. See previous salty comment. Wok tov makes the best Lo Mein.
20. When I was little, I used to wait for my Hogwarts letter. I cried when it didn't come, but I didn't let anyone know because I didn't want them to know how weird I was.
21. A little after that, it became my greatest desire to join the cast of harry potter. Most likely, this was because I wanted to go to Hogwarts. xD
22. I love tea more than coffee, but coffee is almost a neccesity to life.
23. I could spend entire days playing the sims. I HAVE spent entire days playing the sims. It's probably best that it doesn't work on my current computer.
24. I really do like Lady GaGa. Don't ask me why.
25. It's been my goal in life for quite some time to find the PERFECT creamed corn soup/corn chowder. There have been some close contenders. But wherever I am, no matter what the weather is, I will hunt for such soup. It's a culinary pefection. This particular habit annoys my mother to no end.

Streelight people, living just to find emotion, hiding somewhere in the night

2009-08-22T21:48:00.000-04:00

I leave in 2 days. Well, hardly 2 days. I'm leaving Monday. Gone. ByeBye. Hasta la vista. HOLY SHIT I'M SCARED.

Now that I have that out of the way...I wish I could have spent more time with certain people...I suppose because I'm leaving and I feel like by hanging out with them now, it will compensate for everything that I'm going to miss by going to Israel. Like JewMass, or birthdays or Spring breaks and all of the things that I hear people talking about and will have no chance of joining on...not that I really would be welcomed to them if I was still around. I suppose because I've always felt a little on the outskirts of everything, like I never really fit in. Never really understood the jokes. Never really felt like I belonged, despite what the actuality of anything ever way. But, somehow, I think that perhaps my instincts were right.

I don't know what to expect out of Israel, and I don't know what it will bring. But I know that, as usual, I have all of my expectations and anticipation for better things all built up...and I wonder if I'm just going to get my hopes up. Perhaps because I'm always looking for the place to belong, and maybe this is the place.

Or maybe I don't really belong anywhere. An extrovert in the wrong life. Maybe I would have been better off an introvert.

But I really hope that this time next month, I really find a place to belong. And that it won't just be an illusion like all the other times. Because becoming an Aberzombie didn't really help when I was in HAFTR. And I was too much of a crazy, funloving nutterhead to fit in with my introverted friends.

And it makes me wonder about all those others. Like Marci, who Shaindy claims is "exactly like me" and she cannot understand why we aren't friends anymore.

And then I remember that it's me. Everyone I've ever been extremely close too got sick of me and moved away when they couldn't take it anymore.

So, I ask you, readers extrodinaire [and new subscriber =D <333]...am I just doomed. Because despite all the changing I try to do, all the self actualization and all of the trying and fixing and repairing...I still push everyone away.

And I...I'll Drink All The Time

2009-08-21T00:57:00.002-04:00

I miss Moulin Rouge.

That movie is so amazing and I haven't seen it in so long...I suppose because I have seen it so many times that I can do the whole entire script for you on demand, probably.

I suppose this post really has no real purpose, except for sheer nostalgia, and the memories certain songs or movies bring us back to.

Also, Christian is a dreamboat. Just putting that out that. =D

2009-08-19T10:59:00.001-04:00

"If they were your friends, they would have organized a going away party for YOU. Not the other way around."

I fucking hate it when she's right.

Dust in the wind...all we are is dust in the wind

2009-08-19T01:43:00.004-04:00

Sometimes, I feel like I'm trying too hard. I'm all worn out on trying to make things work, with people who don't even give a shit that I'm leaving and won't be back for a very, very long time. People who never bothered to make any sort of connection with me when I was home, but speak more bullshit than I've ever heard. About how I'm leaving and they can't miss that! Except there they are. And they're missing it.

And soon I'll be gone, and I wonder who will even miss me. And it kills me that I'm spending all of this time on people that never wanted me around in the first place.

I suppose some people deserve the work. Some people have earned it, because they're just good people and deserve that kind of thing. But I have too many people surrounding me that are all empty words and shallow, self-centered conversation. And I wonder if that's what I must seem like to the outside world. Shallow and self-centered.

And it scares me that I'll become like those people. I don't even realize how much I speak about myself or my own pointless, teenaged high school bullshit life. And if it's as much as some people, then I need to learn to hear the silence and find only comfort.

All I have to do is swing and I'm a hero...but I'm a zero

2009-08-17T09:35:00.003-04:00

7 days. 7 days. 7 days.

I repeat that like a sick little mantra in my head.

One day, things are going to get easy.

No that's a lie.

One day, I'll stop fucking up and creating the necessity for things to become easier.

Maybe.

wishing to be the friction in your jeans

2009-08-17T00:56:00.002-04:00

I have a lot of things to say and neither appropriate or articulate ways to say them.

Perhaps I should learn to live without chaos. Maybe one day that will be possible.

But then I'll have to live in a bubble.

I can't believe that I'm leaving. I don't suppose that it has REALLY hit yet. It will at the airport.

I can't wait to leave, but I'm going to be really sad about having left in about a month. Isn't that the conundrum of life, though?

Talia=the human homesick

We're always sleeping in and sleeping for the wrong team

2009-08-15T21:48:00.001-04:00

Sometimes, I think about things way too much. But maybe this time my intuition is telling me something that you're not...

Is this more than you bargained for yet?
Oh don't mind me I'm watching you two from the closet
Wishing to be the friction in your jeans
Isn't it messed up how I'm just dying to be him?
I'm just a notch in your bedpost but you're just a line in a song

Hope is dangling on a string like slow-spinning redemption.

2009-08-11T23:16:00.002-04:00

i really don't like chocolate ice cream. i feel like that makes me somewhat mentally disturbed or something.

Today was interesting and upsetting. I don't like it when people treat me as if I'm something less than what I am, when they act less of what I expect them too. I thought it was me when I thought I was being talked down to and insulted, but then Casey seconded my thoughts, because she was disappointed by that too. Because that is not the Rita we know. It's not, and to see that side of her is vastly disappointing in way too many areas. But then it got much better when we got back to my house, and I wish we could have sat and talked longer, because I always feel like our time gets cut short, right when things become meaningful and substantial. But its a good thing you left when you did, because I didn't realize that I had Shaindy's going away at 8:30. So good timing by me. xD

Oy. It's crazy. I'm going to Israel, and I want to do a combination sing, scream, dance and cry. And despite how much these people drive me crazy, I am going to get so homesick. I know it.

the ABSENSE of my tears is my sobriety

2009-08-09T23:22:00.003-04:00

Driving down Long Beach Road with the music blaring from the speakers. Sparkling apple cider on trespassed property. Walking down the boardwalk in the humidity from hell and getting way too much diet coke at BK.

As we drove past Oceanside High School, it made me think, as I often do. This is my life. Let me elaborate. My HAFTR days seem as foreign to me as a Greek shipping heir. Because I am so far from the person I used to be, that if I met her today, I wouldn't know what to tell her, and I don't even think she would like me. She would probably scoff, because only the brainwashed go to Israel for seminary. =D But I mean, it's not that. I suppose because the oceanside football field is more of My Life than the parking lot of HAFTR ever was, or the Pizza Cave/Dave's Stoner Hideaway on Central xD

I don't really know how to explain how I feel, but I think it's sort of a mental feeling. Not a revelation or an epiphany or anything like that, but sort of a mental reassurance. And it feels comfortable. Because it's true. I'm not the girl I used to be, and for that I am glad. Despite what people say about the person I've become, I'm proud of the long way I have come. What do YOU think of this new person?

'Cause there's a hole where your soul used to be...fuck you, fuck you very much

2009-08-09T15:25:00.002-04:00

Knock knock. That's reality at your door, and it's ugly and mean. Reality is spending entire weeks on end on the computer, because there is just simply nothing better to do. Not that you don't have friends. They just don't call. And I'm starting to look desperate.

I just really don't understand the world, or anything or anyone in it. Is that strange? I suppose it is.

untitled

2009-08-07T00:16:00.001-04:00

Follow me into an underworld of sex drugs greed and smoke

She beckons with crooked finger

I am a fish on a hook and she reels me in

Beautifully damaged

Hold me now, hold me closer, she cries

And I know that we’re all looking for the same thing in this great ugly world

It’s all sex drugs greed and smoke

And we escape whenever we can

Flee the moans and groans of souls dying out on the streets

Free your inhibitions with cocaine and belles-de-nuit

I just want to run away from it all

She touches me

I feel the thousands that have touched her

A human Blarney Stone that I don’t want to kiss

I don’t want to know who has

the flowers you gave me are rotting and still I refuse to give them away

2009-08-06T21:44:00.001-04:00

I swear, these people are going to kill me.

I need to get out of this house. I desperately need to be free of these people. 17 days, I keep telling myself. 17 days until I can get away from this all, and get that mental peace and quiet that I need.

These people are crazy.

This is to a girl who got into my head with all the pretty things she did. Hey, you know, you keep me up in bed.

2009-08-05T18:09:00.003-04:00

I have a lot of things just running through my mind like a thousand elephants. I don't think I can really accurately depict them all, or even at least a few. It's just this overwhelming sense of something....really something....being out there, waiting for me. I just don't know where it is.

But I feel as if something is missing.