live through this and you won't look back

I have a sneaking suspicion you know where this is. I have a creeping feeling you read this.

I don't know what she wants. I don't know what she wants.

I'll clarify. I received a page of Wordsworth poems from her and I don't know what point they're trying to make. I can't rectify the situation. And all I want to do is shed myself of you. Shed myself of all the mistakes, the stupid mistakes I have made. Because the truth of the matter is that we have this terrible cycle. See, you only want me when you can't have me AND I CAN'T DEAL WITH THAT. I CAN'T DEAL WITH SOMEONE WHO IS 50% NOT THERE. And I know that somewhere in you, you love[d] me. But you threw away the only thing worth fighting for and you never even tried. You never even tried. And I tried so hard to make this happen. I tried my hardest to make it work.

But see, this is what happens. I tell you that we can't be together, that we cannot see each other, that I can't allow myself to be THAT person. That I can't be around you. And you come to me, begging, begging to be let back in. I'll be better. I'll be better. And then I give in, because I want you so badly, need you so badly. And I let you do what you always do. Ignore me until it is good for you. Fuck around with these meaningless men, because you and I both know that what we had could have been so much more than whatever you have with them. You couldn't make up your decision. I had to make it for the both of us.

We could have been something. We could have worked. You and I, we are not a disaster. But you just can't make up your mind. And I'm sick of waiting for you, so sick. You gave up your chance. I gave you six months to prove to me that you love me.

I can't. I can't. I'm sorry. Just know that my heart breaks in two every time I see you. I need to start caring about myself. Because you never wanted me unless you couldn't have me.

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save